Raindrops splash on the leaves of the maple tree in front of her window. She lies in bed and carefully observes the course of the leaves sinking into one another through the heaviness of the individual drops. Sometimes she lingers for hours, thinks and tries to create new things. Last year she had some dates, some of them were very exciting, some of them were strange, some of them just didn’t get out of her head. When she writes, she processes these stories, only then can she perceive, remember and transform the words into something lasting.

She discovered writing for herself at an early age by putting unspoken feelings on paper, whenever she could not communicate otherwise.

She picks up her notebook, leafs through it and reviews what happened last year. There were three men who contacted her again and again, there were three very different needs to be satisfied. Mariella loves challenges, she is interested in the inner life of people. She likes regular meetings more than single dates. All too gladly she plunges into the soul worlds of others, only this way she can remain in motion, only this way she never comes to a standstill. On the other hand, she occasionally enters strange situations that cannot be explained, let alone really processed. Nevertheless, everything seems natural to her, a little bit comprehensible. She looks back.


Mariella went to see Charlie at the hotel. Whenever he was in Berlin, he contacted her. It was a subtle encounter. Charlie just wanted to watch:

»When I meet Charlie, all he wants is one thing, he wants me to take off my clothes and masturbate in front of him. He is completely dressed, pushes the chair very close to the end of the bed and observes me. He waits until I have an orgasm, before that I am not allowed to leave the room. I knock on his room, he silently opens the door, then I enter the suite with a view over the zoo. In the chat we have already discussed everything so that no further words are necessary. In fact, we have never said anything, there is still a silent agreement and I stick to it. I slowly take off my clothes in front of the huge window with a panoramic view, while he observes closely at every movement. After I take my clothes off, I lie down on the bed. I caress my breasts, stroke my belly and look at him. His looks tell me where to touch myself next. Sometimes he makes me wait till I get to go deeper. Then I circle my fingers around my clitoris, dive in alternately with index and middle finger, notice how moist I am, dab, beat and wish to be touched. Then I imagine it’s his fingers, his looks on my body arouse me.

He never even touches himself, he likes to consume my lust solely visually. I can’t moan, just breathe, even when I come, it remains a silent agreement, as always.»


Boss was different. When Mariella came to his apartment, he constantly provoked her. He demanded a lot and took her body for granted:

»I usually date Boss in the afternoons. The first thing I do is take a shower in his apartment, even though I’ve already done it at home. He always wants me to cleanse myself thoroughly before he plays with me. He has some utensils with which he prepares for our time together: a ball gag, leather whip, bondage tape, anal plug, vibrator and cane. It turns him on when I scream in pain, and I noticed that I can’t take very much. Boss is about 6 feet tall, a bear of a man and sometimes I think about how he could break all my bones if he wanted to.

Once he fell asleep after I sucked his cock and he busted on my tits. It was really hard work, his cock was as big as the rest of his body. He shoved it so deep in my mouth that the tears shot out of my eyes. When he fell asleep afterwards, I tried to free myself from his arms, but he woke up again. Then he took some kind of brush from the bedside table and scratched my butt with fast, harsh movements. I screamed out loud, he asked me to leave, he wanted his peace.

Afterwards i had a look at my wounds in the mirror. Most of the time it was bruises and scratches that decorated the back of my body. I know I can’t go to see Boss too often, I know I need some tenderness in between.«


Lou gave Mariella those exact hugs she was missing. He coveted her and her relationship deepened:

»I like Lou, he always compliments me. He is like an immature boy who still believes in love, and who falls blindly into it when he thinks he has discovered it. When we sleep together, it is one thing above all: passionate, sensual, loving. At the first meetings he paid me for my company, later I couldn’t do that anymore. It felt kind of wrong. He got to know me as I am, with all my vices, the never-ending longings that I carry within me. I never looked for love, sometimes it frightens me. What if I can’t do it anymore? It’s easy to give affection on command when you get something in return, but now things have changed. When Lou touches me, he takes his time to examine every single part of my body. When he sinks between my legs, he looks deep into my eyes and takes me to climax.

I sense I’m never gonna see Lou again, I just couldn’t let myself fall. I’m afraid of a future. He looked at my wounds and knew that I won’t stop, that i’ll remain wandering. This need of love seems impossible for me to satisfy.«