A new day
Dealing with nudity is a big problem for Svenja. When she sleeps with men, she somehow always manages to peel herself out of her clothes and slip discreetly under the blanket. Sex to her is performance. It’s about satisfying men, it’s sport, she’s never had an orgasm herself. She often wonders if that’s all there is to expect, if all the erotic fantasies just happen in her head and just don’t correspond to reality. By now she is 25 years old and has already slept with some men, the longing for perfection, a partner who takes care of her, has not yet been fulfilled. Her challenge is to accept herself naked, as she is, to let herself go when it matters. In the most intimate moments, she considers whether she is well positioned, whether she is not moaning too loudly or whether her partner is discovering her little flaws. She can’t turn her head off and gets lost in gloomy thoughts. After sexual intercourse she usually waits until the man has fallen asleep. Then she slowly frees herself from his arms and puts on her shirt and trousers. Sometimes she goes back to bed, sometimes she leaves the apartment in silence.
Svenja has set herself the goal of sleeping with as many men as possible in order to eventually find the one who understands her. She tries to remember how it came that she has such a wrong body perception in her. Her family is very religious, she learned early on that sex is a sin and only serves reproduction. While other children had their first masturbation experiences, she sat in church and listened to the priest’s sermons. She was forbidden to spend her free time with classmates of her age, she went to school and then straight home to help out in the household. Her parents tried to keep her away from any derailment, she had no access to the outside world.
Occasionally, when she lies in the bathtub, she tries to look at her vulva with a hand mirror, only very briefly she catches a glimpse of the lamellar bulges between her thighs, horrified she lets the mirror sink into the bathwater. She knew it was wrong, she knew it would have been important to deal with the issue. Other women her age were so much further along, she couldn’t have a say. She was denied so much, only that’s why she stands exactly where she is today: an insecure woman who is almost nymphomaniac looking to finally be accepted.
No one knows of her silent secret that she dates men every day just to gain access to her own self-confidence. On a dating app made just for that, she’s looking for matching appointments. Svenja finds a discreet way to gain more experience. Even if she never presents herself naked in front of the men, no one has noticed that so far.
Today she’s meeting Leon. Leon opens the door to his apartment and Svenja quickly gets the feeling that this could be a special evening. Leon takes her jacket off and leads her into the open living room. His apartment is adorned with many nude portraits he shot himself. Svenja is a little ashamed at the sight of the women’s bodies, but at the same time impressed by his apartment. Everything seems so glamorous and Leon is very attentive. He listens and enjoys her company. Svenja is a little insecure, as it usually goes straight to the point. Leon is different, he is interested in her and asks many questions. She opens up to him, somehow she feels taken care of and it is easy for her to discuss things with him that she normally only does with herself. She tells of her disturbed self-image, the unsatisfying sex adventures and the desire to finally feel something. Leon can hardly believe it. He finds Svenja very attractive, not only outwardly, the way she communicates, how she moves, he already thinks strangely why no man wanted her before, except for sex.
Leon makes a suggestion to Svenja. He wants to show her how beautiful she is. He’d like to photograph her naked. Svenja refuses immediately. That would be against her nature, she can’t let herself be exposed in front of him and certainly not be immortalized in pictures. However, she also feels very comfortable with Leon and broods over his wonderful works of art. Maybe something would change, she thinks, maybe this is the moment she’s been looking for so long. Leon and Svenja have a lot of fun, they laugh, they touch, they get along, a familiar basis. After a few drinks Svenja is ready to undress in front of him and his camera. She never thought she’d take that step. She goes into the bathroom and undresses, she looks at her reflection and again she is overcome by fear and insecurity at the sight of her unveiled body. Without thinking further about it, she throws herself a bathrobe over her head and stands in front of the grey wall of the coving.
The studio lights dazzle, Svenja only vaguely recognizes the proud Leon, who becomes aware of the peculiarity of this situation. Classical music echoes through the rooms. Slowly Svenja drops the bathrobe to the floor. She’s never felt better in her life. Leon is overwhelmed by her beauty. Briefly, it seems as if they are communicating in thought. He first shoots a few portraits and gradually feels his way down to hold each part of her body. Svenja is tall, has wonderfully shaped breasts, a wide pelvis, a very narrow waist and endlessly long legs. Her blue eyes radiate so much confidence. Her blond hair shimmers almost like gold paper in the spotlight.
In Svenja’s head numerous scenarios take place, she blossoms. Everything seems to be different on this day, with this encounter that awakens a new love in her, the love for herself.